It has been a few weeks since I last posted a blog and I have missed sharing and connecting with you all. But I also have taken a much needed break away from my blog.
Here is a quick snapshot of what my weeks have been like:
-Feeling lost, confused, full of doubt and consumed by fear of the unknown.
-Feeling lots of emotions, like a rollercoaster I did not sign up for nor did I want to stay on for the course of its track
-Feeling alone and like the only person in the world feeling this way.
Yep, fun times and good vibes over here at EA HQ.
Honestly, with all that I know and the knowledge I have equipped with I am still human. I felt like I was sliding down a deep dark hole and it was so hard to get out of it.
Even I was worried about myself. It has been a very long times since I felt that low.
Even with a loving boyfriend by my side and friends and family just one phone call away, I felt so completely helpless and alone.
I felt like I couldn’t control my emotional state and I didn’t want to get out of bed. It was dark and scary to be honest.
My emotional state then impacted my health and I got sick and was forced to be still in bed for days,(literally, because I had dizzy spells from a ear infection). It sucked! Once I recovered, it only took another week, resisting things in my life, and then boom, back in bed for days, this time loosing my voice! How ironic.
Getting sick the second time was my wake up call.
I thought I took the lessons from the first bout of sickness, but nope obviously not. Still had emotions swirling around inside of me, still had things I wasn’t even opening up and sharing with my boyfriend or friends. I was choosing to let it all stay stuffed down deep within me.
I am grateful I got sick again. It really woke me up.
It woke me up to reach out and connect with my loved ones. Something I was yearning for before I got sick but failed to act on.
You see, when I go through stuff, when stuff comes up, I tend to hold it in, deal with it myself and go it alone. I can easily share the good stuff in life but when its hard, negative, scary and heavy, I avoid it like the plague. I feel bad for sharing it with my loved ones. After all, im a life coach right, should have my shit together? lol seriously, I put so much pressure on myself like being a life coach doesn’t mean your human lol.
But it all started to turn around when I shared my pain and my hearts aching and yearning with my man, asking him to hold space and not want to ‘fix’ anything (he was amazing, he really held the space for me to be ‘me) then I reached out to my closest friends, sharing and crying on the phone. This is vulnerability. This is what an open heart means – cracking that big beautiful organ wide open – all of it. The light is only let in once you have the courage to put a big, bold and honest spotlight on the darkness.
Especially in the world of spirituality, personal development etc, there can be such a ‘one way street’ approach to positivity. Which is all good, but what happened to your ‘truth’. If your down and out, share it, open up and ask for your friends/support/coach to be by your side.
Often our emotions and physical states are simply external signals; calling, seeking and searching for more love and more connection in your life.
When things feel off in your life, often they can be. You may not be honouring a part of yourself that is seeking to connect, to create or to live out an adventure you are dreaming of. Perhaps its letting go of how you thought your life should look by now.
Things started to turn around for me when:
– I gave myself full permission to be exactly where I was. Down and out. I let myself feel, cry, be miserable, and be in bed if that’s where I felt. I surrendered to it all. I let go of needing to be anywhere else or feeling anything else. This isn’t always easy especially when there are some heavy emotions ready to be let go of.
– I shared how I was really feeling, (not just the surface ‘im ok’) with my man and my best friend. Usually being there for others all my life, it has taken me a while to let others be there for me. For others to see my pain and hold me up when I can’t seem to even get up.
– I let go of all my should’s. Especially and honestly ‘I haven’t blogged this week, I really ‘should’ share whats going on for me and connect with my tribe’. This was a big one for me! To give myself permission to put myself first and take care of myself first and foremost.
– I stopped, paused and started listening to my body and my intuition. Why was this all happening? What have I been resisting feeling, being and doing in my life? At first we hear whispers, but if we ignore them, then life and often through our bodies; our soul, our intuition screams at us. We have to get the message somehow right?
– I started connecting more with my loved ones. Since moving to Sydney, I have been missing my family being close by and my friends in Brisbane. Starting a new adventure is not easy, it stretches us, it invites us to grow and expand, often in all areas of our lives. I was craving connection with myself and with others for a while, but instead of acting on this calling, I retreated, I stopped connecting and retreated. So once I started to reach out more, I felt more alive and more connected.
– I let go of control and went with it all. I didn’t try to be positive, I didn’t need to be back to normal. I was just with it all, moment by moment. Soon enough, it moved on. I allowed it all to be there and once I stopped judging the situation or myself things started to naturally shift for me.
– I went off social media all together. This was so freeing and felt to invigorating not to be consumed by all things going on in everyone else’s. Try it sometime. Even for one day, or one weekend, or 7 days. See how much more life you actually live, feel, experience and enjoy when you are not scrolling or updating it.
I suddenly felt and urge to go walking, start up soft sand running again and eat much more healthy and nourishing food on a regular basis. I started to journal more and meditate. and most beneficial, I started to reach out to my friends. I started texting and calling more often.
And then I started to feel back to me. But a much lighter version and much more grateful version of myself.
Often hidden in our pain is our deepest desires and gifts. If only we have the courage and willingness to allow it to move through us and return to our light more often.
Lately, I have been much more naturally and effortlessly more content, joyful and grateful for life.
With only 4 weeks until my man and I head up to Brisbane for xmas and then to the whitsundays for new years (can’t wait!!!!), I feel inspired, connected, aligned and alive more than I have in ages.
I’ll share more soon on how I created a stop doing/start doing list that really got me honest with how I wanted to show up in my life. These exercises have aligned my with my truth, open up a doorway for a new way of being and letting go of the old me. Thank god! It feels so good, to have let go of that layer these past few weeks and welcome more of who I am now, who I am growing into and more joy for all things life.
Returning to my yoga practice has also been a timely and inspiring benefit. I felt to return to yoga for ages adn this past week I won a sales bonus at my part time job and was gifted a month of unlimited yoga! Yahoo! Perfect timing.
Feels so good to be back.
Know that you don’t have to go through this journey alone.
Know that you are not your emotions. You are the beautiful being behind them all, experiencing them. They do not define who you really are.
Know that no matter how dark some moments, days, weeks or months may be in life, there is always light calling you through the tunnel of the unknown. And the journey is ALWAYS worth it.
and know this:
ps. While I have been quiet on the blog and facebook for a while, I have recently returned to instagram (one space I love). So if you would love to see my life through images pop on over and follow me @ellenaashford.